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 Trying to Restore the Balance by Don Urbanus

           Women and girls use more toilet paper than men and boys. Nobody can argue with that, right? I know people donít want to talk about this but somebody has to.

I started thinking about this when I bought a package of 24 rolls of toilet paper for my wife. Approximately three weeks later, she asked if I could pick up another case of toilet paper. Now, I am outnumbered 3 to 1 by females at my house, but still, how could they possibly use that much in three weeks? Thatís a roll a day.

Did you realize that just in the United States, we produce 17 billion rolls of toilet paper per year? Thatís 433 million miles of toilet paper. If you were in a spaceship traveling at the speed of light, 186,000 miles per second, it would take you about 40 minutes to travel that far.

My wife explained to me that the rolls are not as tight as they used to be and so they donít last as long. I was also informed that the rolls are actually not as wide as they used to be. It sounds like the old candy bar trick. Keep the price the same but make the candy bar just a little bit smaller each year.

Compounding the problem are women who have small bladders Ė which is almost all of them. If you go on a three hour trip with a woman, expect to waste an hour stopping at various gas stations or pit stops. And then, she canít just get back in the car, she has to get a coffee or a bottle of water so that she has to stop even more - all the while using more toilet paper and more precious resources across the country.

Kimberly-Clark is trying to do something about all this waste by making a ďScott Naturals Tube-Free Toilet PaperĒ. If it catches on, thatís 17 billion toilet paper tubes that wonít have to be disposed of. They could be recycled but nobody thinks about that. Put them end to end and they would extend a million miles out into space Ė thatís around the moon and back twice. Just the tubes alone are 160 million pounds of trash. The tubeless rolls will be sold at Wal-Mart and Samís Club. If it works out, they may move onto paper towels.

I have my own problems at work with women and toilet paper. My employees are women and most of my customers are women. The women have to have toilet seat covers. If we ever run out of toilet seat covers, do you know what women will use? Thatís right. They use gobs of toilet paper and lay it all over the seat. One of the ladies who works at my store tells me that young girls are taught to do this at a very young age so now itís practically genetic. Suffice it to say that I spend hundreds of dollars a year on toilet paper and I make sure I never run out of toilet seat covers.

We wonít touch on some of the real reasons for why our reservoirs are so low but Iím sure it has something to do with toilet paper and women.

Did you know that urine is basically just purified blood with mostly nitrogen, potassium and phosphorus in it? Yes, thatís right. It is a fertilizer with a formula of 11-1-2! Nitrogen, the first number in the formula for those students of agriculture, helps plants to grow. So while men are out wandering in the woods relieving themselves and trying to keep the forests alive and growing, women are using all that toilet paper that requires us to chop the trees down.

Something is out of balance here.

I can just see how this all went down at corporate headquarters. Kimberly was finishing her umpteenth bathroom break and having her usual complaint about the toilet seat not being put down, when Clark finally got to use the executive toilet. He lifts the toilet seat and looks down and notices that the toilet paper is used up and only a tube is left. With that, Clark has a light bulb moment and slaps his forehead just for good measure. Of course! He can manufacture a tube-free toilet paper roll! This will somehow restore the delicate balance between man and woman and, to a very small extent, the world.

Thanks, Clark. We needed that.

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